


Will You Still Be There?

by moonbands



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depersonalization Disorder, Heart Warming, Scratching, really it's nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 19:19:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4031569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbands/pseuds/moonbands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton loves his fans and his bandmates, but sometimes the world feels much too big for him. </p><p>(Warning: It could be triggering for some people! I tried not to mention anything harmful but it's mostly all about depersonalization disorder. Please don't read if you think you'd be triggered by anything mentioned in the tags.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Will You Still Be There?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Diamela](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Diamela).



> I know I don't normally write fics like this! I just hope you enjoy it! Btw no smut.

Ashton kind of loves his life. He spends every day playing to crowds who connect with him and his songs. He spends every night locked in a dark room and wrapping his own arms around himself. He's spent a few days touching everything to make sure that he is real, that this life is real, that he is actually living. And while it turns out that, yes, he is real every single time, it doesn't seem to be true. 

At night, and sometimes even during the day, Ashton can feel the earth moving. He feels like he has no control over anything whatsoever. He can feel the orbit of the earth, and he realizes just how small he is. It makes him scared that there's a whole universe out there that he doesn't know about, that this tiny little planet has enough air to help him breathe when almost everywhere else in space doesn't. And sometimes he loses his breath because, wow, he doesn't feel real at all. 

A lot of times he's sat in his bed, his legs tucked beneath him as he squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn't want to move, yet he feels like his worries would be over if he does. He doesn't feel like he can move, like his body just won't cooperate. He wants to feel something, anything, that's not I'm so small. And while he makes himself even tinier by curling into himself, he can't seem to shake the feeling. 

Ashton wants to be big. He wants to have a booming voice. He wants long legs and huge arms. He wants long hair and a huge smile. But he knows it's not possible. He knows he'll never be anything other than just small.

Ashton likes this time with himself, he does. He likes how connected he gets because of the constant touching and pinching and heavy breathing. He just wishes he could connect with himself in some other way that wouldn't make him question his existence. He wishes he could just pound it into his head that I'm real, I'm fucking real.

Most of the time, he believes himself. He sees the faces of people he's never seen before, and he thinks that everything is so real that he could just die in happiness. He longs for the realness of his life. He longs for the touches and the smiles and the words spoken to him every day. He just wants it to last forever.

But the forever ends when he's by himself. When Ashton's alone, he likes it. He likes taking time to himself to figure out what song to write next or to brush his teeth over and over again because he really just wants to eat food until he has a heart attack. But it's when Ashton's alone that he's at his weakest. It's when he's alone that he stops feeling real and starts feeling like dust formed just to make a floating figure of him.

He's managed to keep his secret hidden, but he's not exactly sure how. He knows for sure he's texted Luke in the middle of the night asking if there were actual living things found on another planet. He knows that he's spent a great deal of minutes outside Michael's hotel door, his hand raised for a knock, but never having the real courage to rap his knuckles against the wood. He knows that he's spent a good load of time watching Calum and wondering if his best mate is real because he's just so laid back and relaxed all the time. He doesn't feel that they're real either, but he knows once they touch him. He just can't seem to get it through his head.

He accidentally gives a huge hint when it's just Michael and him that are awake on the tour bus while driving through a city at night. Ashton is sitting next to a window, watching the city lights flash by. He can feel himself losing himself to unreality. He wonders how he can just pass through cities like these without even touching any single person or any single object. 

"I would say you sound like a creeper, but I honestly have no idea what the fuck you're talking about." 

And just like that, Ashton is snapped back to reality. He's scared out of his chest that Michael somehow understood what he was thinking. "Did I say something out loud?" Ashton asks, his voice loud in the silent bus space. He feels like he's on autopilot, like he's suddenly frozen, and he can't actually move anything. He feels vulnerable like this, but he's not sure why. This is Michael, he shouldn't feel this way. 

"Yeah something about touching people and objects," Michael answers. He frowns at Ashton. "Are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost."

And Ashton is freaked out. He doesn't feel real. His shaky hands grip onto the bottom of his shirt, rubbing the fabric so quickly he can feel the burn against his skin. He's never felt not real in front of one of his bandmates. He doesn't know what to do, and that's freaking him out even more. 

Before he even knows what's happening, he comes to. There are tears streaming down his face that he hardly felt at all. Michael is staring at him in the eyes and rubbing his shoulders, and Ashton can faintly remember Michael asking him a bunch of questions and trying to get him to talk. He feels somewhat real, but there's a dull fear breathing on the back of his neck telling him that what he just did was not real. That he didn't just have a complete panic attack in front of Michael. 

And suddenly he's sobbing. He's sobbing because he was so careful. He's sobbing because he feels like this is just a pebble thrown into the ocean. He's sobbing because he never wants to feel unreal ever again, but he doesn't know how to make it stop. He's sobbing because, through all this, he's clinging onto Michael as if he's the only ground he's ever had, as if Michael's the only person he's ever known. He's sobbing because he's relieved.

Ashton eventually calms down, but he did cry long enough that two faces appear in the doorway to where all their beds are, and he feels guilty for waking them up. Luke and Calum trail into the living area, and crowd around Ashton, worried expressions on their faces. Michael's still hugging him, but he's far enough away that Ashton doesn't feel smushed or alone. Ashton likes that he's not alone.

"What's wrong, Ash?" Luke asks, and the other boys wait with bated breath for Ashton to reply. He almost thinks he can't. He almost thinks that it's no use trying to explain.

"I-I just," he starts out, biting his lip roughly, which is kind of comforting given he still doesn't quite feel real. "I have a problem, I think." And the boys all nod because of course he has a problem, they just are unsure of what. And really, Ashton is unsure of anything. He's about to tell them everything from the tons of fans he meets every day to the late nights scratching himself to feel. He's about to, but he doesn't get to.

"You don't have to tell us if you don't want to. We're just worried about you," Calum offers, cuddling up next to Michael and putting an arm around the two of them. Luke automatically sits on Ashton's other side, and Ashton is so overwhelmed with love and gratefulness for his boys. He can feel the love they're showing back, and he knows they won't say it out loud, but this band is everything to them.

"I think I'd like to," Ashton whispers. He trusts them. He can do this. 

"I've been having a problem lately, well, I guess it's not lately. It's been happening for a long time. I've been having a problem with, uh, I don't know how to explain it. I just don't feel like anything exists sometimes. Like nothing is real? Do you know what I mean? Don't answer that. I just, I get so out of it that I feel the need to touch everything. Like, I'll touch the sheets on my bed, the coffee table, the mini fridge, the window, my toothbrush. Sometimes that isn't enough. I, um. Sometimes I, uh, scratch myself. Like, to make me feel something. So that I think it's real. It's kind of scary sometimes. I don't think a lot of things are real. I might be getting worse because this is the first time I've felt this way in front of one of you. I mean, it doesn't happen all the time. Just, you know, sometimes. A lot of the time."

Ashton feels like a giant weight has been lifted, like the real world on his shoulders suddenly isn't real. Like all of this is a dream, like it's all in his head. He gets scared for a second because he's finally got up the nerve to tell someone. He finally is able to let himself be a burden, an actual weight on the world, and it's taken away from him.

But then Luke is squeezing his side, and Ashton realizes he's been staring at his hands for the past few minutes. He feels real. Luke feels real. Michael feels real. Calum feels real. Ashton feels real. He can't believe this is actually happening, that he's actually able to confide in someone about something that's scared the shit out of him since it first started. He's happy, even with the tears drying on his face.

"It's okay, Ash," Michael reassures, and Ashton feels like it really is okay. "We'll look some stuff up, alright? We'll try to help you." Ashton is so grateful for Michael. He's surprised he's even friends with Ashton after telling him his secret.

"Yeah," Calum agrees. "And you can come get us whenever you don't feel real, okay? You can touch us, and we'll hug you and make you laugh so you feel real." Ashton is equally thankful for Calum. He loves that he's willing to do that for him.

"Please, just don't scratch yourself when we can help," Luke adds, and he wraps his arms around Ashton, hugging him so tight that Ashton's absolutely sure this is real. "We care for you so much. We love you, Ashton." This statement is followed by noises of approval from Calum and Michael.

Ashton's crying happy tears this time as he and his boys cuddle together on the couch. He's never really been a big fan of cuddling, but he sees now that it could have its perks. "I love you guys, too." 

Ashton might have been a little worn out, as he doesn't remember much of what happened after that. He knows that he at least fell asleep because he found himself hot and sweaty on top of three other boys on the couch.

After that day, his bandmates are extremely good at limiting Ashton's time alone. He still gets free time to himself, but it isn't filled with I'm so small, I'm so small. He answers his friends' calls more often, he knocks on their doors more often, he definitely touches them a lot more often. 

Michael looked up what Ashton was feeling, and it turns out that there's an actual name for it. It's called depersonalization disorder, and Ashton is just kind of relieved that he's not the only one on earth with his problem.

His boys are really good about it, and Ashton actually thinks it's helping. It's only sometimes that Ashton feels small and unreal, but his sessions of opening and closing the curtains and rubbing his sheets until his fingers are numb don't happen as often. He finds solace in the people around him, the fans and his boys. He smiles bigger, he's grown his hair, and his skinny jeans are to really try to make him look taller. He feels like he fits his shoes better, like he's not on automatic all the time, like his tongue works with him and not for him.

So with his big smile, his big hair, his big legs, and the big hearts of his friends, Ashton feels real for a long time after a while. He feels his heart beat and hears his breathing. He touches things like they're there and not like they're not. He sings his heart out every day to come back to three boys who help him become a better him, and he's happy. Ashton's happy that life can be real.


End file.
